Planking

Thanks to my twins, this summer I have discovered the delights or horrors of a new form of exercise -"planking".

"Planking" was introduced to me by the twins. Now this, they informed me, required little aerobic exercise but patience and a degree of nerve - apparently. Initially, this type of exercise appealed to me as I imagined watching something on the television whilst developing muscle control and deeper levels of concentration.  I was a little concerned where the  "plank" came into it, and in my naivety, thought perhaps it was some sort of yoga position. How stupid was I!

According to my Double Act, firstly, you travel by train to your local shopping centre or mall with a group of friends, preferably wearing hoodies ("although some malls are complete melts and won't let you in if they can't see your face," moaned a twin.) I asked why your face had to be hidden and to much eye rolling and facial gurning was told that being hidden was part of the risk. When they had finished staring at me as if I was totally incompetent, I reflected on whether I had a hoodie in my wardrobe; whether I could swop a mall for the lounge floor but more importantly how I was going to watch the television with a covered face whilst practising the new craze of "planking"? I prompted them to continue and raising their head from the XBox, they begrudgingly complied.

So on entering the centre/mall, you had to find a flat surface, I was told.
 "Where does the plank come into it?" I inquired.
"Wait! The plank will be revealed," the younger twin assured me.
Once the surface had been assessed for suitability you had to lie flat on your stomach, legs straight, immobile.
"Like a plank?" I exclaimed eagerly. "Oh what happens if I trip someone up?" the horror of causing injury to an unsuspecting shopper was dawning on me.
"Well, they would be a total plank for not seeing you!" they said in unison and returned to their gaming.
"Well, that is totally out of order. Completely pointless and lacks any thought!" I was becoming rather worked up.
"Planking is planking. It does not have to be dangerous. It is quiet and only harms complete planks if they are too plankish not to notice you! Anyway most of the time, we plank on the edge of walls so noone is harmed. If we fall we will look like a total plank!" said one.
"Or become as flat as one!" mused the other with authority of one who has had a near "plank" miss.

Oh that made it so much better! Lying on a wall three storeys high was clearly plankish! Potentially, landing on the ground floor, whilst ricocheting off an escalator, passersby and kiosks contained every "plankish" element! Needless to say , my two twin "plankers" will NOT be "planking" anymore.

Big Mumma is Watching You Sunshine!

Yesterday, my eldest asked me if I would be around tomorrow night. Momentarily, I felt wanted. After all, this is a boy who has found a new respect for his home and mother.

Oh come on - really! I am not that naive! Yes, he has cleaned. Yes, he has been polite. Yes, he has not condemned me me for being alive (which obviously would be more stupid than mud as I gave birth to him and therefore he wouldn't exist otherwise). However, he is a teenager and he wants to branch out and discover things such as .... well I do not need to point out what we all wanted when we were teenagers, but I of course wanted to study really hard! (or so I told my parents).  However, I am no fool and this new sensitive soul has been trying to soft-soap me for a while with his love of all things domestic, whilst trying to work out when I would be out with friends for a night. BEEN THERE AND GOT THE TEA-SHIRT.

So when I said I felt wanted momentarily, call me a cynic but the chill of "you are not wanted here here" blew through my kitchen like tumbleweed. . It was his attempt at  nonchalance but oh so clearly pained look on his face that made me want to play with him a little - like a cat with a mouse.

" Of course, I will be," I said." In fact, I thought we could spend some quality time together discussing your options for university or perhaps listening to music, as I believe there is an 80's revival at the moment.Let's face it, I grew up listening to that type of music and I could give you the heads up. Just time for you and me as the youngest are away. " My eyes had narrowed slightly whilst unloading the washing machine but my head was bent sideways enough to see his look of disgust and fear.

" Great!", he replied, clearly appalled, stepping back from the kitchen work top in horror" I thought you might be out. In fact. Mum why don't you ring some of your friends and go out as you have been working so hard lately? "

Raising my head mid washing machine load, I gave him the wounded mother look of  "oh I thought it could be just you and me".  "Mum, seriously, I will be ok and you need a break!" he continued (give up buster, I know your game).

I raised myself to full 5ft 6. " A break? Bless you - you are such a caring son" He was starting to sweat a little. "A break? MMMM" I began to fold the washing silently. I noticed from the corner of my eye that he was clock watching. "Darling?"
"Yes, Mum?"
"What time is she coming round?"
"Sorry?"
"You heard me sunshine!"
"What?"
"You may have blocked me off Facebook but I have means you idiot!"
"Oh my god, you are so wrong! In every way! Why are you such an idiot? No other mothers are like you! Why can't you leave me alone? ......" And on and on and on. Thank the lord, my boy is back and his saccharine cleany-uppy, nicey-smashy doppelganger  had disappeared. All thanks to my new best friend Twitter. who tells me everything about my eldest without him moving his lips!