Hobbit to Elf

"Middle Earth"has no place in my world.  The transformation from hobbit to elf is almost complete!  Yesterday, I joined the Fellowship of TOWIE as a  most fabulous squirrel from the Wirral scraped the Black Wraiths which were attempting to suck the very life force from my feet.  My tootsies had become "precious" and I had only one fear ....would my"Primarni"  heels  prevent me from slipping into the fire of  the hard skin of Mordor or would dwarves armed with "pedieggs" and scapels be able to ward off the evil of Sauron and allow me to skip unscathed  into "Rivendell "or in my case Loikeside, Furruck.
Oh yes. I had bought into the "Only Way...." Suddenly the mountain of moldy festering cheese, sliced by the knife of the friendly scouser chiropodist had become my salvation.  I had pretty feet!  I had girly feet! I had TOWIE feet. My plates could serve the good, the bad and the wealthy of Essex .  I was dizzy with the thought.  I was also dizzy with the flipping pain!  I had lost at least two shoe sizes from the scraping and could barely stand!  Hobbling down the main drag would be attractive if I was a  Geisha: beautiful but sto,c but I'm an Essex girl and we do tantrums, screaming and howling!  Wraiths and Harry Potter dementors bring it on- you ain't seen nuffick yet till you see a precious Essex girl in pain!  Believe me your ring is safe!